Saturday, September 30, 2006


yesterday i talked to my ex.
i really miss her so much, and i'm such a $@%^!$&* for leaving her.
I left her because our relationship wasn't going anywhere.
because she lives in another city and she's way too old for me.
I left her to be with R.
but R didn't leave anything to be with me.
R :
*Ma baddak neb2a 7abayib wala tib2a 3an 3ayni '3ayeb
baddak nib2a metel elrif2a kazzib 3la 2albi eldayib
zalmni o 3arif eni, ana bish2a laaw tib3d 3anni
elli ya amari , ana berda b2adari 5abbirni enta shoo 7abeb*
*kermalak 9rt b5abbi ,b5abbi il7ub ilsakin albi
e3mol 7ali wla 3la bali mihtammi o mish mihtammi
eddamak bkoon rfee2a is2al 3nnak kil d2ee2a..
6ammin bali , enta 2bali, rayye7 balak mn yammi*

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I don't know

I don't know what happened.
I called her and talked to her as usual.
she asked me to send her my pictures.
she came online and suddenly this thought popped inside my head:
(why is she asking for my pics when we can see each other anytime we want?)
I mean we live in the same city.

*why is it so hard for her to invite me over or meet me?
*is it always gonna be this way? (phonecalls,Im's,webcam & pics?)
*are we even in a relationship !

I called her and cried,I told her that this should be over.
that I love her and I can't take it anymore.
that its not fair & she's not treating me the way I should be treated.
she didn't say anything.
she just stayed there and listened to me while i were crying.
she told me that this wasn't love..
that I like her so much and I think that I'm inlove but it can't be love !

*what was she talking about ?
*does she even know how is it like to love a person who is inlove with someone else?
*to be with a person who is blinded by their ex?

she ignored me.
I couldn't talk.
she said she'll hang up and she'll give me some space but she'll never leave my life.

I'm lost.
I have so many things to say but whenever I talk to her all the words go away.
I know I'm weak but I'll start acting strong infront of her.
she has to know that its either lovers or nothing.
we can never be friends.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I went out with my cousin to some cafe.
while we were sitting R called and her picture appeared on my phone's screen.
my cousin saw it and she freaked out.
how do u know this girl? she's a baaad baaad girl, she said.
she's a lesbian, she continued.
i acted really stupid & dumb,really? I asked.
yeah she is so known in uni for her bad reputation, she replied.
I ignored my cousin and answered the call, I tried ending it as soon as possible but R noticed that.
feeki shay ? she asked.
erm,, no but I'm in a cafe with my cousin and I'll call u when I get back home.
OK then,she replied.
Call Ended.

so, how do u know her? she repeated her question.
me: erm,,she's my friends friend.
aha, she's G's friend right?
me: Yeah
is that how u know her? from G?
me: No,other friends.
a9lan G ma t9dg a7ad ytlzg fiha.
me: really?
End of conversation.

I know that R is a lesbian.I have this really huge crush on her but we are not really together.she doesnt consider me as her girlfriend and neither do I.but my cousin really got on my nerves, i had to act dumb 3shan ma ankshef.
I once asked R if anyone knows about her, and she said just a few friends, who were the same.but i guess everyone knows madam my cousin eli hee b3eeda tdri !I thought for so long if i should let her know what happened and that my cousin knows,but I dont wannabe that girl who cares so much for how people think.I just care about her.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

My confessions

I'm not a typical bad girl.
I mean I dont drink,smoke,have sex or take drugs.
I also don't do guys.
I'm a lesbian.
but it's not something I'm proud of.
It's not something my friends or family or anyone know about.
It's my dark little secret.

I hate tomboys & girly girls.
my type is just different and I'm not anything near a tomboy or a girly girl.
I'm just me. most of my friends are straight, and those who aren't,never really admit it but i just know.

how did this happen?
it started a few years ago..
when this girl i know started dragging me into her dirty world.
when she started being nice to me and loving me like no one ever did.
I was blinded and amazed by a feeling i never experienced before.
our relationship didn't last for so long,it just ended for some reason.
and that's when I realized how much I needed someone in my life,
someone who could love me like she did.
someone who is a girl.

everyone thinks I'm too innocent to do anything wrong..
but how shocking will it be when they find out that I'm a lesbian?

sometimes I think of getting help and telling someone about it because it's not who I wanna be. but I couldn't.

anyways I just came back from my summer vacation and I'm so tired and confused.
I have many important things to think about ..
R is so not treating me well..
I haven't seen her for a while now.
and every time I invite her over she has this really lame excuse so I'll start being rude and careless.
I guess it's the best solution for now.