Saudi Ballerina

Tagged by dyke in saudi

2007-04-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

I have to write 10 things that are weird or unknown about me.

so here they are:

1. I talk to my self when I can't concentrate.

2. I always need help in my h.w's.

3. I love the color pink but I can't see my self wearing it.

4. I have mood swings.

5. I still sleep with the teddy bear I got on my 18th birthday .

6. curly hair, thick eye brows, small eyes are what i look for in a girl (plus a great personality)

7. I have this dream about having a group of lesbian friends and getting together every now and then..I hate that I have to keep my self in the closet because I live with straight people.

8. I'm loving GOLD

9. I think my mom used to have a lesbian relationship

10. I hate cursing & smoking

I tag No ONE

My Valentine

2007-02-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm back again..
I forgot all about my blog since I was so busy studying and stuff..
I'll just talk about my valentines day..
I was desperatly single a week before valentine..
I was planning to sleep all day long to get it off my mind but a surprise happened !
the friday before valentine I received a text msg that told me that am committed again..to her :D
she apologized about everything and confessed that she just wanna be with me..
She told me that she's my valentine..and that I dont have to worry about anything else..
I started looking for the perfect gift..and I was so lost cuz I had so little time !
I got her this red leather bracelet with a heart on it,,
teddy bear holding red flowers as a key chain,,
a box of heart shaped chocolate wrapped with red paper,,
a bag chain or something like that with her sign on it with RED
AND
I made her a CD with all our songs in it..
we were planning to meet on Wednesday but instead we met on Tuesday in my place..
the room had red balloons everywhere..
I chose a movie for us to watch together which was (SERENDIPITY)
I made a chocolate heart shaped cake for her..
and I arranged the chips in a heart shape ..

The movie didn't work..
She arrived so late ( 11 pm :/ )
The cake was ruined
My aunt crashed our romantic date..

and it was a disaster..
I wanted to get red flower & red candles but there was so little time..
and since my aunt crashed our date ,, thank god I didn't put any..
(I mean the balloons were enough :| )
she left at 12.30..
and she didnt even kiss me :(

it was a nightmare i know..but I'm still waiting for a kiss..

Sad

2006-12-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm sad..
my heart is broken again..
I fell for her since the 1st time we talked..
we clicked..
each one of us had a big big crush on the other..
but I said something as a joke and it ruined everything..
maybe she doesn't wana talk to me again..
she thinks I'm this rude person..
I really want to be with her..
she's special..

wondering..

2006-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

If anyone who trusted me gave me their password..I would never look at something I shouldn't be looking at..I would just go and do what i was asked to do and thats it.

I once gave an ex bf one of my account's passwords..he checked all my inbox msgs and accused me of betraying him with some guy..while i was just fooling around with a friend who is a girl
(her nickname didn't show that she was a girl).
and recently..my laptop was with one of my close friends who I trust more than my self
(but who doesn't know that I'm into girls)..
at that time she called and asked for my permission to take a look at the files and pictures in my laptop.
ofcourse I said yes..but I never thought that she'd go and read my chat logs..and which chat logs? the ones between me and R..she knew my secret..she remained silent for two weeks..then she came to talk to me about it few days ago.
the surprise is:
she's also into girls..and she's been through what I've been through..

why are people so nosey :S !!
I'd never go and read anyone's chat logs :S or email msgs cuz it could hurt me or I could know something I never knew about and it could change my life or my relationship with that person !
so I'm always on the safe side..

ok here's another thing..
people nowadays are talking about (MOI) kinno mafi ella ana bildinya..
and saying that (MOI) is gay.

the problem is:
-I'm a shy, deep person !
-I never show anything !
-Nothing says that I'm gay!
-Not my clothes, nor the way i act !
-I don't have lesbian friends !
-I never had a true GF !
-Almost NO ONE knows about me
(except my ex's,my closest cousin,2 close friends who would nevertalk and few and I say FEW net friends who don't even know any personal info about me !)
-I never flirted with any girl at all :S

DON'T THEY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT?
3AMA INSHA'ALLA =
and I was also wondering about something else..
A Dr would love to be called a Dr (without doubt)
A teacher would love to be called a teacher..
but WHY..
a lesbian would hate to be called a lesbian..
I'm sure some girls are proud of this thing, and some others aren't ..
but why are we hiding it..
why do we lose our tempers when someone says that about us

(when its the truth)..

that's all I have to say for now..

to violet I write..

2006-11-26T05:14:00.000-08:00

sometimes I wonder..

-does she still remember ( the blue day book)..the one I gave to her when she was having one of the worsttimes of her life..and it made her smile , cry & laugh, does she still keep it?

-does she still smile when she listens to OUR song..or does it brings sadness to her heart because I'm not thereto listen to it with her..
(Mst`3riba..hatha ilhawa..a7la o ajmal 3a6ifa..)

-does she still remember me when she sees my favorite color..like i do when i see her's?

-does she wake up in the middle of the nite and wish I was still there?

-does she regret leaving me or she's happy with the person she's with right now?

-will she ever find anyone who will understand her unspoken words and heal her wounds..

-will anyone ever cry because she's crying? or is it just me who used to share everything with her, even tears..?

-will she ever love someone more than she loved me? or did she promise her self never to love someone as much as she loved me..like the promise I gave my self after she left?

I gave my self this promise the day she left:
that no matter how much I loved someone..I'll never love them as much as I loved her..she'll always have this special place in my heart..forever and ever..we both gone on different ways, fell inlove with other people..but she's still THE ONE..and she's still in my heart, and I'd leave anything to be with her again..

(7obha kan ba7ar..o 7ob kil a7ad mn b3dha nig6a fi ba7ar..)

I don't want my heart anymore

2006-11-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm throwing it away, I don't need it anymore..
falling inlove is just an excuse to get hurt..mob akthaar..

Another Try

2006-11-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

Me and R are giving it a try again.

she decided to open her heart and give her self a chance to love.

I'm trying to be with other people.

I once asked her what will happen if I told her that I was with someone else. she said that she has no right to say anything but she would leave me because she doesn't like sharing anything she have with anyone..

what a weirdo..she told me that she has a feeling that I'm really with someone else.

ME, being scared of losing her again lied.

I'm just trying to get over her by being with someone else.

2006-10-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

I miss my ex.

not R, M.

I never thought I'll ever miss her again, I thought I was totally over her..

sometimes i say : 7sbi allah 3leha..hee eli w9ltni l ely ana 3laiyh now..

and some other times I tell my self : dont cry because it's gone, smile because it happened.

So much darama is going on in my life right now.

Me & R are still having our up's & down's, on's & off's.

someone i know is crushing on me, and I'm having fun but the prob is

it cant be serious because LDRS are not made for ppl like me.

did u ever think that you'de miss someone u already got over?

did it ever happen to u? and how could u be over him-her if u still miss him-her?

Expressing My Feelings

2006-10-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

Her voice touches something inside me.

The way she says anyword using the letter J , just makes my heart melts.

She's inlove with someone else and so am I...

We can never be together I guess..but I'm just expressing my feelings here since I can't tell her anything about how I feel.

She would probably think that I'm crazy or insane !

Maybe because I'm unexperienced..or so I think !

Erm and yeah, yesterday I broke up with R.

I think its finally over and we're both taking different ways.

If she wants me back she have to try so hard to get that, I'm not the same again...

and I'll never be.

Laitnee maa jait..Laitnee Raddait..

2006-10-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

I finally saw her.

My sweet heart.

we were having this argument about not seeing each other and she simply said that she's not coming over to my place and that I have to come over.

well I'm like the shyest person on earth and that's kinda impossible.

I won't go over to her place to hang out with her family or friends.

I want to be alone with her.

I want to be my self around her.

she started screaming on me and telling me how abnormal I am !

just because I'm shy and I wont come means that I'm abnormal ?!

well, her friends place is kinda "lesbians gathering" and no way I'm going there !

anyhow the next day i decided to go out and pass by her place just to see her.

I went there, went inside, saw her.

she changed.

she became more beautiful.

she got rid of the braces.

and she looks almost like shane from the L word !

the moment i saw her i fell inlove again with her.

I saw her kittens and her drawing room.

then I left.

we hugged, said goodbye and I left.

but there was something really weird.

she's not inlove with me.

About My H.W

2006-10-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

its always this way.

I hate our fucking Finance teacher :@ she's such a crazy bitch.

she wants us to write an article about something I've never heard of before.

and no one is there to help.

no one wrote anything and no one has any idea what should this article exactly include.

the deadline is tomorrow and I'm here sitting online waiting for a jenie to show up with this fucking article.

the problem is they never taught us how to research or write articles that we dont know anything about.

I'm not even interested in finance or business to read about or know anything about.

I called my ex as usual expecting her to save me and do it for me.

and she said that it will be ready by today.

but guess what?

the article she asked someone to write , is nothing near what my teacher wants.

it talks about intrenational stuff & i need local stuff !

I don't know what to do.

I hate having assignments and projects and this is getting really seriouse.

I should've known that my ex wont do anything as usual.

its either something useless or (bss 7aki).

I'm not a selfish pig who wants everything done by other people,

I just need steps and directions to do what I have to do.

I hate all of this =

stupiddddddddd meeeeeeeeeeeeee

2006-10-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

Am I crazy or what?
I just changed my phone number few days ago and now I have strangers SMSING ME.

ok i was really bored, staying at home alone with nothing to do when i got this msg:

whenever u feel like talking with someone that u dont know then callme and if u dont like just delete this msg.

I had to know who sent it.

I started SMSING and replying the msgs and it turned out to be a girl.

she called me and talked to me and she was really nice.

but I'm sure that someone sent her.

maybe its R to get rid off me.

maybe its someone who wants something good to happen to me.

(why would anyone want that for me?)

and yeah i have alot of enemies,

that means that anyone could be playing a game with me.

aaaah stupid stupppppppid

*hitting my head to the wall*

I still need to know who this girl is.

ALLA YESTER.

Kermalak..

2006-09-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday i talked to my ex.

i really miss her so much, and i'm such a $@%^!$&* for leaving her.

I left her because our relationship wasn't going anywhere.

because she lives in another city and she's way too old for me.

I left her to be with R.

but R didn't leave anything to be with me.

R :

*Ma baddak neb2a 7abayib wala tib2a 3an 3ayni '3ayeb

baddak nib2a metel elrif2a kazzib 3la 2albi eldayib

zalmni o 3arif eni, ana bish2a laaw tib3d 3anni

elli ya amari , ana berda b2adari 5abbirni enta shoo 7abeb*

*kermalak 9rt b5abbi ,b5abbi il7ub ilsakin albi

e3mol 7ali wla 3la bali mihtammi o mish mihtammi

eddamak bkoon rfee2a is2al 3nnak kil d2ee2a..

6ammin bali , enta 2bali, rayye7 balak mn yammi*

I don't know

2006-09-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened.
I called her and talked to her as usual.
she asked me to send her my pictures.
she came online and suddenly this thought popped inside my head:
(why is she asking for my pics when we can see each other anytime we want?)
I mean we live in the same city.

*why is it so hard for her to invite me over or meet me?
*is it always gonna be this way? (phonecalls,Im's,webcam & pics?)
*are we even in a relationship !

I called her and cried,I told her that this should be over.
that I love her and I can't take it anymore.
that its not fair & she's not treating me the way I should be treated.
she didn't say anything.
she just stayed there and listened to me while i were crying.
she told me that this wasn't love..
that I like her so much and I think that I'm inlove but it can't be love !

*what was she talking about ?
*does she even know how is it like to love a person who is inlove with someone else?
*to be with a person who is blinded by their ex?

she ignored me.
I couldn't talk.
she said she'll hang up and she'll give me some space but she'll never leave my life.

I'm lost.
I have so many things to say but whenever I talk to her all the words go away.
I know I'm weak but I'll start acting strong infront of her.
she has to know that its either lovers or nothing.
we can never be friends.
NEVER.

2006-09-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

I went out with my cousin to some cafe.

while we were sitting R called and her picture appeared on my phone's screen.

my cousin saw it and she freaked out.

how do u know this girl? she's a baaad baaad girl, she said.

she's a lesbian, she continued.

i acted really stupid & dumb,really? I asked.

yeah she is so known in uni for her bad reputation, she replied.

I ignored my cousin and answered the call, I tried ending it as soon as possible but R noticed that.

feeki shay ? she asked.

erm,, no but I'm in a cafe with my cousin and I'll call u when I get back home.

OK then,she replied.

Call Ended.

so, how do u know her? she repeated her question.

me: erm,,she's my friends friend.

aha, she's G's friend right?

me: Yeah

is that how u know her? from G?

me: No,other friends.

a9lan G ma t9dg a7ad ytlzg fiha.

me: really?

End of conversation.

I know that R is a lesbian.I have this really huge crush on her but we are not really together.she doesnt consider me as her girlfriend and neither do I.but my cousin really got on my nerves, i had to act dumb 3shan ma ankshef.
I once asked R if anyone knows about her, and she said just a few friends, who were the same.but i guess everyone knows madam my cousin eli hee b3eeda tdri !I thought for so long if i should let her know what happened and that my cousin knows,but I dont wannabe that girl who cares so much for how people think.I just care about her.

My confessions

2006-09-13T02:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not a typical bad girl.

I mean I dont drink,smoke,have sex or take drugs.

I also don't do guys.
YES.

I'm a lesbian.

but it's not something I'm proud of.

It's not something my friends or family or anyone know about.

It's my dark little secret.

I hate tomboys & girly girls.

my type is just different and I'm not anything near a tomboy or a girly girl.
I'm just me. most of my friends are straight, and those who aren't,never really admit it but i just know.

how did this happen?
it started a few years ago..

when this girl i know started dragging me into her dirty world.

when she started being nice to me and loving me like no one ever did.

I was blinded and amazed by a feeling i never experienced before.

our relationship didn't last for so long,it just ended for some reason.

and that's when I realized how much I needed someone in my life,

someone who could love me like she did.

someone who is a girl.

everyone thinks I'm too innocent to do anything wrong..

but how shocking will it be when they find out that I'm a lesbian?

sometimes I think of getting help and telling someone about it because it's not who I wanna be. but I couldn't.

anyways I just came back from my summer vacation and I'm so tired and confused.

I have many important things to think about ..

R is so not treating me well..

I haven't seen her for a while now.

and every time I invite her over she has this really lame excuse so I'll start being rude and careless.

I guess it's the best solution for now.

Away

2006-06-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'll be away for a while..summer vacation babe ; )

growing up..

2006-05-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

did anyone went through

"not knowing who u are & not knowing what u want? "

is it a part of being a teenager?

OR

it's a part of growing up?

waiting for ur replies

dealing with an ex and a new lover..

2006-05-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

what happens when u compare ur ex lover to ur new lover?

A DISASTER !

every person have something special inside of them..but what if u missed that special thing in ur ex and wanted it to be in ur new lover?

what if u missed the way ur ex treated u..spoiled u..called ur name and touched ur hand..what happens to ur new relationship?

would u take sometime off inorder to arrange some stuff and spend sometime alone figuring things outand trying to get over ur ex?

what if u never got over them ! and never stop missing them !

what happens in this case?

how will it be fixed?

how will it be solved?

how will u be able to start over?

does anyone have any answers?

LOST

2006-05-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

I am LOST.
I cant fine me.
I looked everywhere but I'm nowhere.
I guess I'm still in her heart.
and her heart is with him.
and he was in Jamaica.
and he's now in the USA.
and I'm still LOST.

confused

2006-04-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

so confused..I dont even know what i want..just had a really short hair cut..i thought that it could help showing that am not straight..but till now it didnt..i never thought i'd turn out like that..i was normal..i swear..until she came into my life and messed everything upside down..therefore i realized i cant be the same again..and its not only an experience..its more..its who i am..its who i should be..when many girls told me " we cant imagine that u could talk to a guy"..( becuz of the innocent look on my face) they didnt even imagine that i could turn out to be a lesbian..its not that am officially a lezbo..but i dunno what it should be called..ok..i would have a relation ship with a girl..but without any sexual intercourse..i think its becuz of my troubled childhood and teenage years..and becuz i was always missing my mom..although she's there ( but never there for me) so being loved by a female..who treats me like a baby and spoils me..makes me feel so happy..GOD this is starting to be annoying..elzbda..ana mu 3arfa mn ana..mu hathi elensana eli abee akoon heya..it would be a big giant problem if anyone knew about this..

Magic Ear :P

2006-04-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

Today... I discovered something really amazing in me.
I was sitting there, with my grandmother who was talking to me and complaining about my behavior toward my parents. I didn’t want to hear what she was saying, so I just some how ignored her and continued staring at the pc’s screen.
When she finished her speech I tried to remember a word she said but I couldn’t!
God I was so amazed! but why don’t this thing work frequently ! Listening to what I what and ignoring what I don’t want to hear!

first post

2006-03-31T10:35:00.000-08:00

Here I come my blog !!

Well I heard about this thing from a friend who became addicted to what people post. And then I thought about thinking OUT loud and posting my thoughts, so I hope that I could do a good job here.

Ok..my friend who showed me this site… said that she knew the bloggers personality from their posts… is that possible? Can she discover me here?
I wont tell anyone about my blog..and we'll see if people were able to identify me.
I know ma 3ndi salfa..but I just dunno what to write about. I mean I have alot on my mind but I just cant arrange my ideas and thoughts..enshalla I'll do better in the next post.